This Week in Poops

This has been a momumental week as far as fecal output goes. Seriously, each day I have been amazed by the mass and volume of my turds. Pretty friggin' intense, yo. I don't know where it's all coming from, but I'm glad to get it out of my butt. I've not been eating any more or less than usual, nor has the nature of what I've been eating changed significantly. Poops: The Eternal Mystery!

Soon, I shall poop for the first time today. I'm looking forward to it. I can feel it stewing in my bowels. Each cigarette break brings me closer to the brink, though I'm not quite "prarie-dogging it" yet. If you know what I mean.

OMFG, DID YOU GUYS SEE STEVEN COLBERT STICK IT TO BUSHITLAR???

Cory Doctorow did. He thinks it's a conspiracy that's kept it out of the "mainstream media". I swear to god, if one more person sends me a link to that shit, I'll make poops on their chest. Yes, I saw it. I like Colbert. Colbert was doing his Colbert schtick. Yet, curiously enough, Bush is still President. Weird! It's like the Kosmonauts don't have any power or something!

Attention Apartment Complex-Advertising Infidels:

I don't give a shit about your "pool". I won't be swimming in that. Everyone and their brother knows that public pools are 90% kid urine, and 10% chlorine. Or maybe 9% chlorine, 1% algae. In searching for a place to live on rent dot com, there are seemingly billions of apartment complexii that, for some reason, don't feel the need to post pictures of their actual apartments, seemingly under the delusion that I give a shit one way or another what their common areas and pool look like.

People, I'm a nerd. Further, I'm a nerd of Irish descent. I don't tan, I burn. As such, I won't be laying on your public grounds in the sunlight reading a book. I'd just end up with a sunburn. I won't be swimming in your pool. That's just nasty. I want to know what the THING YOU'RE TRYING TO SELL ME LOOKS LIKE.

I've just been ruling out any complex that doesn't post pictures and floor plans of the apartments, themselves. I've also been ruling out every apartment with a tiny kitchen attached to a dining room attached to a living room. Fuck that. You have to draw the line someplace, and I'm done living in a shithole. Other auto-elimination elements: white walls, no washer/dryer in-unit, anything that says "remodelled", anything without a smoking balcony, non-walk-in closets, any place that lists "air conditioning" as an apartment feature (that's just basic standard-of-living shit, people), and the list goes on. Am I being too picky? Maybe. That's my right as a FRIGGIN' WELL PAID NERD, YO. You can take it from me when you get past my .45 slugs.

Ever Have A Mountain of Work Ahead of You?

Did you end up deciding that because you can't do it all, you shouldn't do any of it? Well, then, you're a lazy asshole. You lazy asshole.

My Name is Saint Mohammed Niyal Sayeed

And I seemed to have sparked a Jihad on the behalf of transsexuals on the Internet. Oh, how many of their stories begin the same; shitty childhood, sometimes with molestation, sometimes just garden-variety beatings, junior high school bully oppression, blah blah blah. Gender rolls: DELICIOUS!

Seriously, though, I know Thailand has a large number of trannies, but Thailand also has a large number of child prostitutes, so I'm not sure that helps make the case that TS/TV is anything more than "what privileged white people think about when they have too much free time". Oops, I just excluded Ru Paul. OK, how about "what privileged Western people think about when they have too much free time." Much better.

Men in elaborate women costumes, yo. Men. In. Elaborate. Women. Costumes.

Kinda like Furries, but without the surgery.

I'm not saying people shouldn't be allowed to be into all sorts of stupid crap, though I'm not above saying that, as I am allowed to say as a crypto-fascist, but I am saying people like pushing buttons. They do it, I do it. You do it. We all do it.

I Have Some Other News

But I can't drop it just yet. Nor can I confirm or deny it. Fucking Intarweb.

And thus concludes this week's extended poops review remix.

Love,
Senior Advisor for Keepin' It On the Rizno*

[*] - Special thanks to joh3n for the awesome job title